They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
