I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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