if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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