That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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