Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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