Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
