my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
