I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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