Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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