I met the friendliest cop last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
