Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
