i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
