I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
