Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
