I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
