one two three fourrrrnication!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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