Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
