the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
