Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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