I can tuck mytits in my pants
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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