I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
