i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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