Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
