Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
