she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize