The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
