can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
