I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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