Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
3 2 1 whiskey
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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