her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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