I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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