No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
