I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize