I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Randomize