I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
