fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
