Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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