when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
