Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
