Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
