if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
