you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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