I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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