I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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