theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize