Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize