every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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