Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
