She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
porn star boner night. come get it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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