so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
