White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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