It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize