what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
