they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
