Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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