I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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