Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He felt like a one man threesome
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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