I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
