Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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