please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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